You come home late. The day has been long, the last meeting went sideways, and something you sent at 4pm is still sitting in your head unanswered. Your other half starts telling you about her day. You are sitting right there in the same room, close enough to touch her. You nod at the right moments, you make the small agreeable noises, and your eyes are pointed in her direction.
Then she stops and asks you what she just said.
You cannot answer. Not one line of it. You heard every word and you kept none of them.
I have been on both sides of that, and the uncomfortable part is that nothing dishonest happened. You were not pretending. The sound arrived, your ears worked, your face did what faces do. What did not happen was the other thing, the expensive thing, the part where you put down what you were carrying and pick up what she is carrying instead. Hearing costs nothing. Listening costs attention, and attention is a fixed amount that has usually been spent before the conversation starts.

That gap does not stay empty. This is the part I did not understand for a long time. When someone does not spend the attention, they do not sit there with a blank space where your meaning should be. They fill it. They fill it with the reading that costs them the least, the one that fits what they already believe and what they were already planning to do. And then they carry on, quite genuinely, believing they have understood you.
So the frustration most of us call “not being heard” is not silence. The words arrived. Somebody nodded. Something even happened afterwards. It just was not the thing you were asking for, because what travelled was your sound, and what got acted on was their assumption.
The month the celebration became the problem
At Stats NZ we ran a programme we called DBS 2.0 inside Digital Business Services, and we measured how people felt about it every single month from 2018 onward. Not annually, not at the end, every month, with the score plotted on a chart so we could see whether the process had genuinely changed or whether we were reading noise. The first measure came back at -14. We were not popular, and the number said so.
It climbed in steps over the next three years. Not smoothly, and not because of any single intervention, but it climbed, and by February 2021 the top reading was 50. In August 2020 we were named a finalist in the CIO Awards for Best Team Culture. When I ran the Schneider Culture Model survey the shape of the place had moved into Collaboration and Cultivation, which is a long way from where a group of information technology people usually sit. The senior leaders around me celebrated, and they were right to. We had broken something that had been stuck for years.
What I said at the celebration was that culture is not a thing you achieve. It is the accumulated friction of everyday decisions, which is the argument I made in Designing Team Culture, and it is why it moves so slowly and slides back so easily, which is Why Is Changing Culture So Hard?. You do not finish it, tick it, and file the certificate. It has to be fed, and the feeding never stops, and a programme that runs 2 years is no longer a programme anyway, it is just how the place works now, or it is nothing.
That fell on deaf ears.
Except it did not, and this is where I have to be honest about my own part. Nobody in that room dismissed what I said. They heard it, several of them agreed with it out loud, and then Monday came and they went back to their day jobs, because they had day jobs, with their own deadlines and their own people and their own problems flowing down from above them. Calling it deaf ears is Wayne taking Wayne a bit too seriously. The message landed in a room full of people whose attention had already been committed elsewhere, and in that condition the cheapest available reading of “culture needs continuous work” is “culture is good now, well done us.”
Through the second half of 2021 the score settled back to roughly half of where it had been. Not a crash, not a scandal. It simply stopped being held up, and it went back down to about the level that the actual daily behaviour of the place could support without anybody carrying it.
Because that was what I had been doing, and I did not know how much of it was me until it stopped. I had been retelling the story. Over and over, in every forum that would have me, what the number meant, what it had cost people to move it, what would happen if we treated it as finished. That retelling is real work. It is tiring in a way that does not show up on anybody’s plan, and there is no line item for it, and the moment you stop, the story goes quiet, and quiet gets filled with the easy reading again.
The board that said one thing and meant another
At Inland Revenue we did the visible version. I have written about this before in Two Kinds of Visibility, and about what it actually took to keep those platforms standing in Arcane by Necessity, so I will not retell the whole thing here, but the short version is that we put everything on the wall. A kanban board. A 45-inch TV. Priority one incidents, how many were open, how many we had closed, when the next scheduled reboot was going in. Anyone walking past could see the state of the platforms without asking a soul.
The message we thought we were sending was this: these platforms are old, there is no further investment coming, and we are keeping the tax system standing by sweating assets that should have been replaced years ago.
The message that got received was: Business Platform Services has it under control.
Which is, if you look at it coldly, a completely reasonable reading of a board full of falling incident counts. It was even flattering. And it was heard by people who were not being lazy or unkind, who were deep in their own transformation programmes with their own targets, and who now had one fewer thing to worry about. So the transformation work carried on at pace, and the platform work carried on being absorbed, and nobody upstream ever had to do the arithmetic on what absorbing it cost.
What it cost was people. They got tired, and then they got burnt out, and then they worked out that the future being described in all the transformation material did not have a version of them in it. Their job, as they understood it, was to keep the old world breathing until it could be switched off, and then presumably they would be switched off with it. Some of them left. In the end I left too.
Nobody misheard us. They heard us clearly and converted us into reassurance, because reassurance was the reading that let everyone else keep going.
The version you can watch happen in 10 seconds
I have been using these AI tools daily for a while now, and the thing that keeps stopping me is how familiar the failure feels.
You type a request. In your head sits all the context: what you are actually trying to do, who it is for, what you have already tried, the constraint you did not mention because it is so obvious to you that you have stopped seeing it. None of that goes into the box. What goes into the box is the request.
The model does not sit there confused. It fills the gap from generalisation, produces something confident and well-formed and aimed at the average version of what people usually mean by those words, and hands it back. It heard you. It did not listen, because there was nothing there for it to listen to.
Then you look at the output, feel that small flare of irritation, and rewrite the prompt with the context you should have given in the first place.
That is the same failure I have been describing for 30 years in organisations, running at a speed where you can actually observe it. Seconds instead of quarters. And it is cheap to fix, because the machine cannot take offence and there is no relationship to repair. With people the same mistake takes a year to surface and somebody has usually burnt out by then.
The list I wrote, and what is left of it
A couple of years ago, while I was at Te Pūkenga, I wrote a LinkedIn post with 10 tips for getting your message heard by busy leaders. Keep it short. Lead with the benefit. Bring data. Tie it to their goals. Pick your moment. Follow up in writing. Tell a story. Ask for feedback. Be persistent. Listen yourself.
I wrote it because it looked to me like nobody was listening to the real issues in front of us, and writing the list was easier than saying that out loud.
Reading it now, it is decent coaching material. If a junior person asked me how to get a hearing in a large organisation, I would still walk them through most of it, and it would help them, and none of it is wrong.
It also would not have changed a single thing I have described above. Every one of those tips is a technique applied to the sending. The failures were all on the receiving side, in rooms full of people whose attention was already committed, where the gap got filled with whatever cost them least. You can compress your message, evidence it, time it, and follow it up in writing, and a person with no attention left will still convert it into the reading that suits them.
One of the 10 survives, and not in the form I wrote it. Stay persistent, yet patient. What I meant back then was keep trying until they cave. What I mean now is that being listened to is a thing another person gives you, at a cost to themselves, and it cannot be extracted with technique. So you keep retelling the story where there is presence in the room, and where there is not, you stop spending yourself on it and carry on with the work. That is not giving up. It is knowing what you are paying for.
And it goes the other way first. If I want that from someone, I have to have paid it forward: sat there, put my own day down, listened to somebody’s problem all the way to the end without reaching for a solution, and acknowledged that they have a voice and I heard it. Just that. Most of the time nobody wants the solution anyway.
So the tip I would give now is not on the list at all. It is a sentence you say before you start.
Can I have your attention for a moment? I need you to listen to this. You do not have to fix anything.
I still get it wrong at home. But I ask now, and that has been enough.

